So I thought I should do another update
I've been meaning to blog some more but I keep forgetting it

A few weeks ago I was with my recovered anorexic friend on a festival
I felt so happy and free and decided to actually fight my ED and I really wanted to be healthy and recovered
I started to be more social (I even ask a boy out haha), I ate more, and I started to swim everyday for a fit body and a healthy mind.
It went okay
For a few weeks..

On evening I couldn't sleep because I was determined to lose weigh again
A part of me hoped it was just that night
But it was this there when I woke up
And the next day..
And the day after that..
So I started to fast again but after a few days the binge and purge urges kicked in

The life that I wanted to leave behind is back
Although I hate it,  it also feels save.

I think the biggest trigger that caused this relapse is that I have to go to school again in 6 weeks
I haven't been going to school for 1,5 year now..
Everybody there knows I have Anorexia and I don't want them to see me a healthy weight and say 'oh you're better' or 'you look good'

I need to lose 10 kg and I know my ED so I know I will lose it in just a short time
I'm scared but also kind of relieved to stay in my little Anorexia world

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think of it! xx

An update

I had an intake with a new clinic: Human Concern.
But they wouldn't let me in because I was too sick and not motivated enough.
To be honest, I was relieved I don't want any help, I'm fine.

I'm going to live with a family for a while.
They had another anorexic living with them a few years ago, a friend of mine.
I'm so exited because they are great.
They live with a lot of dogs and cats.
I love living with a family because I never had one
I used to watch this tv show: "Kinderen geen bezwaar", it's about a family.
I loved it because it made me feel like I had a family.

My parents are divorced and fight a lot.
I don't have any brothers or sisters, I used to be very lonely.
I was bullied at school at didn't have any friends, I just readed alone and listended to music.
My dad is in the army and had to go away very often.
I was so afraid he was going to die in war and very depressed and thought a lot about sucicide.

Well this was my update, I will blog more soon.

X

A binge.

It's been a good day.

I barely eat and probably lost some weight tomorrow morning.

I feel good and strong.

Nothing can stop me.

But then later in the evening,

I feel lonely, hungry & fat.

I'm so miserable, I just want to escape for a minute.

Then I got it: food.

I go to the kitchen and eat all the healthy low calorie stuff I bought that day.

Crackers, cereal, fat free yogurt and fruit.

After I finished it, I feel so worthless and weak.

I step on a scale and gained 2 kg.

Then I drag myself to the toilet and throw it all up.

I step on the scale. The 2 kg is gone.

I got ride of the food.

Now I feel even more sad.

I can't stop crying and thinking how this has to stop.

Then I go like I'm hypnotist to a supermarket.

I feel kinda excited although I hear a voice in my head "NO NO NO"

But another voice: "THIS IS GOOD, YOU MAY NOT STOP."

As I enter the shop, I walk straight to the bad stuff.

I get cookies, ice cream, bread and chocolate. 

I know actually what is easy to purge and to eat.

I feel the looks of people.

I know what they're thinking "No wonder she's so fat"

I pay for it and cycle home.

When I'm cycling I put my hand in the bag, just to feel it.

When I'm home I make tea and water, turn on the tv and close the curtains.

And I eat it all.

After I finished and can barely walk because I feel so sick and bloated, I go to the toilet and purge until I see blood.

I clean up, throw away the empty packages, take laxatives and go to bed.

Feeling even more worthless and fat.

And the next day, It's gonna start all over again. 

ED meme's to lighten up :)

I kinda liked this Meme's.

I don't want to offensive anyone but a little joke about Anorexia makes it more bearable I think.

My life with/without Anorexia

I got homework from the clinic:

Imagining my life in 5 years with Anorexia.

And imaging my life in 5 years without Anorexia.

So I decided to make a blog of that ;)

With Anorexia:

I live alone. I don't see anybody.

I just in bed all day. Probably high or drunk all the time.

I don't eat. Sometimes I binge and then purge.

I don't go out except to buy Binge-food.

I'm isolated and alone.

I'll be at my lowest weight my body could take.

But one day my body gives up and shuts down.

at least I would die skinny.

---------

My life without ED:

I live in America.

I have some friends and maybe a boyfriend.

I study photographery.

I can enjoy food.

I look healthy.

I don't own a scale and I don't measures my self everyday.

I'm not afraid to look in the mirror

I'm free.

A good day

We just finished walking (burned 545 kcal) and we are now at a restaurant. I'm having green tea and he's having wine with German sausages with cheese and bread.

The walk was nice, we talked about our memories and how different it all was. So much easier.

So we walked to a little town and I found the cutest Hello Kitty there!

My dad boughted for me.

Then we went to the little bakery where we used to eat pie together.

He ate pie and I had green tea.

It's painfull how this disease changed everything.

It was a hard and sad day but it was good we had fun.

And we talked nice.

A good day.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is probably going to be okay.

I'm going for a walk with my dad in Germany. (I live in Holland)

We used to sleep in a hotel there.

They had a pool and a very nice breakfast and dinner buffet.

I have lot of memories of that place.

We used to have so much fun there.

And I was always looking forward to the food there :)

Behind the hotel is a forrest.

We always walked there to a little town.

When we were walking we make up songs about our dog Emma (I will talk about her in my next blog) 

And eat German candy as "fuel"

When we arrived in that little town, we always went to a bakery and eat cake.

It's was careless and I felt free.

But now I want to talk there just to burn calories and avoid food at home.

I won't eat cake.

Emma is gone.

it will not be careless.

And I will not feel free