An update

I had an intake with a new clinic: Human Concern.
But they wouldn't let me in because I was too sick and not motivated enough.
To be honest, I was relieved I don't want any help, I'm fine.

I'm going to live with a family for a while.
They had another anorexic living with them a few years ago, a friend of mine.
I'm so exited because they are great.
They live with a lot of dogs and cats.
I love living with a family because I never had one
I used to watch this tv show: "Kinderen geen bezwaar", it's about a family.
I loved it because it made me feel like I had a family.

My parents are divorced and fight a lot.
I don't have any brothers or sisters, I used to be very lonely.
I was bullied at school at didn't have any friends, I just readed alone and listended to music.
My dad is in the army and had to go away very often.
I was so afraid he was going to die in war and very depressed and thought a lot about sucicide.

Well this was my update, I will blog more soon.

X

A binge.

It's been a good day.

I barely eat and probably lost some weight tomorrow morning.

I feel good and strong.

Nothing can stop me.

But then later in the evening,

I feel lonely, hungry & fat.

I'm so miserable, I just want to escape for a minute.

Then I got it: food.

I go to the kitchen and eat all the healthy low calorie stuff I bought that day.

Crackers, cereal, fat free yogurt and fruit.

After I finished it, I feel so worthless and weak.

I step on a scale and gained 2 kg.

Then I drag myself to the toilet and throw it all up.

I step on the scale. The 2 kg is gone.

I got ride of the food.

Now I feel even more sad.

I can't stop crying and thinking how this has to stop.

Then I go like I'm hypnotist to a supermarket.

I feel kinda excited although I hear a voice in my head "NO NO NO"

But another voice: "THIS IS GOOD, YOU MAY NOT STOP."

As I enter the shop, I walk straight to the bad stuff.

I get cookies, ice cream, bread and chocolate. 

I know actually what is easy to purge and to eat.

I feel the looks of people.

I know what they're thinking "No wonder she's so fat"

I pay for it and cycle home.

When I'm cycling I put my hand in the bag, just to feel it.

When I'm home I make tea and water, turn on the tv and close the curtains.

And I eat it all.

After I finished and can barely walk because I feel so sick and bloated, I go to the toilet and purge until I see blood.

I clean up, throw away the empty packages, take laxatives and go to bed.

Feeling even more worthless and fat.

And the next day, It's gonna start all over again. 

ED meme's to lighten up :)

I kinda liked this Meme's.

I don't want to offensive anyone but a little joke about Anorexia makes it more bearable I think.

My life with/without Anorexia

I got homework from the clinic:

Imagining my life in 5 years with Anorexia.

And imaging my life in 5 years without Anorexia.

So I decided to make a blog of that ;)

With Anorexia:

I live alone. I don't see anybody.

I just in bed all day. Probably high or drunk all the time.

I don't eat. Sometimes I binge and then purge.

I don't go out except to buy Binge-food.

I'm isolated and alone.

I'll be at my lowest weight my body could take.

But one day my body gives up and shuts down.

at least I would die skinny.

---------

My life without ED:

I live in America.

I have some friends and maybe a boyfriend.

I study photographery.

I can enjoy food.

I look healthy.

I don't own a scale and I don't measures my self everyday.

I'm not afraid to look in the mirror

I'm free.

A good day

We just finished walking (burned 545 kcal) and we are now at a restaurant. I'm having green tea and he's having wine with German sausages with cheese and bread.

The walk was nice, we talked about our memories and how different it all was. So much easier.

So we walked to a little town and I found the cutest Hello Kitty there!

My dad boughted for me.

Then we went to the little bakery where we used to eat pie together.

He ate pie and I had green tea.

It's painfull how this disease changed everything.

It was a hard and sad day but it was good we had fun.

And we talked nice.

A good day.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is probably going to be okay.

I'm going for a walk with my dad in Germany. (I live in Holland)

We used to sleep in a hotel there.

They had a pool and a very nice breakfast and dinner buffet.

I have lot of memories of that place.

We used to have so much fun there.

And I was always looking forward to the food there :)

Behind the hotel is a forrest.

We always walked there to a little town.

When we were walking we make up songs about our dog Emma (I will talk about her in my next blog) 

And eat German candy as "fuel"

When we arrived in that little town, we always went to a bakery and eat cake.

It's was careless and I felt free.

But now I want to talk there just to burn calories and avoid food at home.

I won't eat cake.

Emma is gone.

it will not be careless.

And I will not feel free

I miss the days

I miss the days,

where 300 calories was a snack,

I could enjoy my dad's home cooked meal,

a nice meal with my mum in the garden,

I miss those lazy days, when you just eat and watch movies. Careless.

I miss not knowing what calories are, not knowing what all those numbers on the package mean.

I miss only weighing when you bake cookies or cake.

I miss not giving a flying fuck about my weight.

I miss life.

War in my mind

I'm gonna spent my entire day in bed tomorrow.

Not going to eat. 

Not gonna talk to people.

Just want to be alone and rest.

I'm so tired of this war in my mind.

Everyday is a struggle.

Everyday I feel like a fat worthless failure.

Is it ever going to end?

One in five

One in five.
That's how many anorexia sufferers die.
20%
I am more likely to survive cancer than I am to surive anorexia.
That is how deadly this disorder is.
This is not a phase, this not a diet.
This is life or death.

The truth about Anorexia

A lot of people see me as an inspiration.
They ask how I got so 'perfect' or what my secret is.
Most of them are healthy young girls who are very slowly developing an horrible disease.

You want anorexia? You want to feel cold all the time? Lose your hair and teeth?
You'll become isolated, your friends won't bother you anymore.
 Hostpitals, clinics, crying parents, terrified friends.
All I can think about is losing weight, food, scales and numbers.
I don't read anymore or listen to movies. I can't enjoy anything.
The only moment that I feel a little bit happy is when the number on the scale goes down.
But there is an end.
If I lose anymore weight I would die.
My organs are failing and my heart is getting tired.
I could die in my sleep.
I lost everything and I still feel fat.

You don't want Anorexia.
It ruins your life.
And it doesn't make you skinny, at least not in your mind.

Food

A lot of girls ask me "what do you eat?" "do you eat anything at all?" 

So I decided to make a blog about how I see food and what I my safe and fear food are.

Food feels like poison to me. 

I hate it in my stomach.

I hate eating. I cry alot over meals.

Although I love to see food or make it.

I can spent my entire day watching other people eat.

I used to love food! I could enjoy a nice homemade meal with pasta and creamy shit. I didn't think about calories, fat or my weight. I was so happy.

But now that is all gone

When I starve for days and feel like crap I always think "like one cracker would matter" or "once I start eating, I could never stop and binge"

Too afraid to lose control.

But actually I don't have control, Anorexia controls me.

Safe food:

Cucumber

Tomato 

Crackers

Jam light

Special K biscuits moments

Glutenfree bread

Strawberries

Apple

Kiwi

Watermalon 

Almonds

Spring rolls

Sushi (little portions)

Fish

Eat Natural yoghurt bar

Chicken

Dried fruit

Fear foods:

Butter

Bread

Pasta 

Peanut butter

Chocolate 

Crips 

Oil 

Junk food

Milkshakes or regular milk

Banana's 

Cookies 

Cream

Mexican food

Everything has to be in little pieces and I eat at exact times.

I eat everyday different, never over 500 calories and most of my days I get to a 250 calories.

Food intake

My food intake of today:

Breakfast: Water and green tea.

Lunch: 2 apples and 2 crackers with jam light

Binge on ice cream.

Purged it all out.

Dinner: Sushi (3 pieces)

8pm: 20 almonds 

The clinic

Today had a session with my parents and my therapist about what kind of treatment I'm going to get.

I asked for help with the bingeing and purging and with the OCD.

But my therapist thinks that she helps me with that, I'll lose even more weight.

I don't want to get treatment for my Anorexia. It's my everything.

The session was horrible.

My parents started fighting.

My mum chooses my sight about the treatment but my dad thinks the therapist is right and want me to let go of my Anorexia.

My parents are not together. They broke up before I was born. I have no brothers and sisters. And they can't get along.

During the session they were insulting and hurting each other. My mum said she didn't feel safe and want to talk to my therapist alone.

My dad and I went to the waiting room and he started crying.

We cried in each other arms.

It's was a special moment.

I love my dad but he pushes me sometimes to hard and doesn't realize I how sick I really am.

Because of the stress and pain, I feel a huge urge to b/p.

I'm gonna try not to give in but I just want escape for a minute.

Or maybe forever

A new day

Another day. Didn't sleep to well.

I planned a fast for today. But I'm tempted to b/p.

In the morning I'm always so scared of myself. 

What would I eat? Would I have enough control? Everyday is a new suprise what my ED is going yo bring to me.

I also have to go to the clinic. I go to Amarum in Almere, Holland.

It's only for therapy, I don't have to eat or sleep there (thank god)

I don't like it there, they're trying to earse who I am.

I'm very nervous for today because my parents have to be by the session.

She's going to tell them why I want to keep my ED.

Also I had to write about what the function of my ED is.

Wish me luck xx

It never leaves me alone

Everywhere I go, I get triggerd by numbers, food, body's and mirrors.

The ED never leaves me alone.

Everyone is so much skinnier.

Everywhere is food.

Everywhere are mirrors which I like to avoid. 

Everywhere are numbers that my head turn into kg or lbs.

When I watch a movie or read a book, I can only remember how much food and drinks they where in it.

I can't enjoy it.

I can't go anywhere because I think people would find me fat.

It never leaves you alone

School

I don't go to school anymore for almost 5 months.
Because I'm simply too sick.
School was always a hell for me. I think it's one of the reasons I developed an ED.
My therapist wants me to start school again and get in the real world.
But I cry by only the thought of going to school again.
I feel so numb there. Everyone is so much prettier and skinnier than me.
I know if I go back, I will stop eating forever.

Never enough

I eat nothing, but it's always too much.
I exercise until I faint, but it's never good enough.
I lose weight, but I'll always weigh too much.
I become smaller, but I'm never small enough.

Me

Sleep

It's now almost 3:00 am where I live and I can't sleep.
I have trouble with sleeping for almost 5 years.
Most night I sleep about 5 or 4 hours but some night I don't sleep at all.
I just keep over-thinking.
And keep thinking about how fat am I and what I'm going to eat tomorrow.
What will I weigh? Should I starve? Or eat an apple? But what if my dad forces me to eat?
Every night the same worries. And every night the same fat.
Life would be so much easier without food.

Control

I hate it when people say 'just eat'.
If it was only that simple, I wouldn't have anorexia.
One meal can ruin my day.
It's not that I hate food, I love food.
I love making it, buying it, smelling it, see it, touch it.
I just can't eat it.
It's because I don't want to gain weight but mostly because I don't want to lose control.
Because that's what is it is about: control.
Not the food, not the scale, not losing weight but control.

Starving

Starving: Colors become brighter, sounds sharper.
It makes you feel strong.
Strong and empty.
I want to go everywhere, talk to everybody, see everything.
But I can't, my body is too tired and screaming for food.
But I won't eat, I can't eat.

Don't want to let go

I don’t want to let go of my Anorexia.

What would I be without her?
Now I feel special, like I’m somebody.
Now I don’t have to think about real life.
I don’t want to grow up.
It’s my rock in the ocean of life. I need to hold on something because I’m too scard to drown.

My first blog

Hee,
Let me introduce myself, I’m Lia and I have Anorexia Nervosa.
I’m 1.68 cm and 34 kg (bmi: 12)
I can’t go to school anymore, I’m very isolated. I’m going to a clinic called “Amarum".
But I don’t want to let go of my ED yet.
I will be blogging about my daily struggle with this Eating Disorder.
I will not support of give tips.
But you can ask me anything.
I hope you will enjoy it and maybe it helps you a little bit
Kisses,
L.